Shaif Ahmad
Below mentioned are a few findings from the book The Science of Trust by Dr. John Gottman. The book was a result of extensive research on successful and happy couples done by him.
- Matches in Conflict Style
According to his research, there are three conflict styles in which people can be categorized; validators, avoiders, and volatiles. For relationships to be functional the ratio of positivity to negativity in conflicts should be 5:1, or else it is more likely to end. The mismatches in a relationship indicates that one person want the other to change, and the person is avoiding change. In the research no volatiles and avoiders were together, it was because they can’t successfully pass the courtship phase.
- Present issues as Situational joint problems
It was observed that rather blaming your partner for certain problems and disappointments in the relationship, expressing and acknowledging the problem helps which can be supported by identifying your needs. This is a conversation which requires utmost sensitivity, hence it is advisable to pay attention to things your partner does right. It is also necessary to acknowledge the fact that you aren’t perfect either, so expect that your complaints might not be taken very seriously.
“I no longer believed in the idea of soul mates, or love at first sight. But I was beginning to believe that a very few times in your life, if you were lucky, you might meet someone who was exactly right for you. Not because he was perfect, or because you were, but because your combined flaws were arranged in a way that allowed two separate beings to hinge together.”
― Blue-Eyed Devil
“I think you still love me, but we can’t escape the fact that I’m not enough for you. I knew this was going to happen. So I’m not blaming you for falling in love with another woman. I’m not angry, either. I should be, but I’m not. I just feel pain. A lot of pain. I thought I could imagine how much this would hurt, but I was wrong.”
― South of the Border, West of the Sun
“You can talk with someone for years, everyday, and still, it won’t mean as much as what you can have when you sit in front of someone, not saying a word, yet you feel that person with your heart, you feel like you have known the person for forever…. connections are made with the heart, not the tongue.”
―
- Question of
Do you tend to cheat when you’re in a relationship, or are you loyal to who you’re with?
- I would never cheat.
- No, but I think about it.
- I have, but I regretted it.
- Yes, I love to cheat.
- Question of
Would you ever go out with a friend’s ex or is that totally off limits?
- No, that’s super wrong.
- No, that’s awkward.
- I don’t think I would.
- Sure, why not?
- Question of
How old were you when you lost your virginity?
- 20 or older
- 19
- 18
- 17 or younger
- Question of
Have you ever gone home and spent the night with someone you just met?
- No, that isn’t safe.
- No, that’s lame, who does that?
- Yes, it was awkward. I did the walk of shame.
- Sure, I’ve done that lots.
- Question of
How big of a bed do you sleep in at night?
- I have a twin.
- I sleep in a double.
- I have a queen.
- King bed all the way
- Question of
Do you like to tell jokes when with a group of friends?
- No, I am too shy for that.
- If I have a good one to tell.
- Sure, I enjoy that, I like making people laugh
- Yes, I love being the center of attention.
- Question of
Are you the type of person who likes to flirt a lot?
- I don’t think I flirt at all.
- Only if I really like someone
- Yes, I think that’s healthy.
- I love to flirt.
- Question of
What are you most likely doing on a Friday night after a long week?
- Probably hanging out at home
- Working out or working on a project
- Hanging with friends
- Going to a club
- Question of
What has been your living situation when you’re not in a relationship?
- I live with my family.
- I live with roomies I don’t know well.
- I live with friends.
- I live alone.
- Question of
Did you date when you were in high school or were you a late bloomer?
- No way, I was too shy.
- No, but I wanted to.
- Sure, I dated a little.
- Yes, I dated a lot.
- Question of
When things get bad in a relationship, do you tend to ghost them?
- It’s really hard for me to do that.
- It depends on how much I like them.
- I sure do.
- Yes, I do that all the time.
- Question of
Are you picky are you when it comes to dating people, or will you go out with anyone who asks you?
- I am really picky, I only date people who are my type.
- I have my standards, I won’t date just anyone.
- Not that picky
- I’ll go out with anyone who asks me.
- Question of
Does your family usually like the people you go out with?
- For sure they do
- For the most part
- Not that often
- Pretty much never
- Question of
How seriously do you take your career goals in life?
- I take them super seriously, I work hard.
- I am pretty serious about them, I am ambitious
- Not that seriously at all
- I could care less about my career.
- Question of
How many times have you gone overseas with someone you’re in a relationship with?
- Once
- Twice
- Three or more times
- Never
